Memories and Algorithms

I joined Instagram so that we’d build up memories with our child, keep up with the times, and so that I’d learn something new myself.

Five videos in, I noticed I’d started fretting over how to get videos nobody watches in front of more people.

And yet my first goal was very simple: let’s record a few things. Let’s open them up years later and have a look. As the child grows we can get to the old memories from here, for free and without needing a separate cloud account; and at the very worst we’ll have a laugh at them, I was telling myself.

But because the videos weren’t getting many views, I dropped the memories and focused on improving the numbers.

Whether it’s ambition, genetics, or years of dealing with numbers and sales, I don’t know. When I see a number I can’t help myself, I set myself a challenge:

“What is the algorithm?” “Why do the first three seconds matter?” “What time should you post a video?” “How long should it be?”

What I’m saying is, the hobby I took up to learn a thing or two suddenly turned into a competition I wanted to fight in.

“Well,” I said, “I might as well get something useful out of this too.” So I went and looked into it: how much command does a person have over their own feelings? What can they pass on to their child? Where does the family come into it?

The findings aren’t bad. At the very least I think I’ve found an answer on a subject that serves the purpose of the project, that ought to be etched into the mind and that every parent really must know: validation!

For instance, you can’t really teach children to manage their feelings by telling them “Don’t be upset” or “Don’t make a fuss”. Instead of trying to put the feeling out straight away, you first need to help them understand what it is. This approach to parenting is called emotion coaching.

So when my son one day fails at something and falls apart, my first job won’t be to fix the problem or give him a motivational speech. Sometimes, it turns out, a more useful place to start is being able to say “OK, that upset you.”

Then there’s the thing we call free will. It’s not leaving the child entirely to their own devices; it’s opening up room for choices that suit their age, and not deciding everything for them. In short, not trying to be the managing director of their life.

And this is where the family comes in: not finding everything the child does right; but making them feel that their place in the relationship doesn’t change when they get it wrong, when they fail or when nobody applauds them, and making time for them so they can feel the love.

There’s one thing here that’s bugging me, and I couldn’t find the answer: isn’t showing love in every situation a kind of validation too? I suppose I’ll get this idea to settle in time, or by living it. I’ll learn in more detail what to do when he gets cross and add it here! I’m cross already. :)

One source says, “Behaviour has consequences. It has boundaries.” But if love is unconditional, where do consequences fit in? What are boundaries for? We’ll work it out, I’m sure. Take our cats: they’ve turned six and they still run away from me when I walk past. I love them anyway. :)

Did we learn new things? Yes.

Will they come in useful for Deniz? Probably.

Will we keep trying to understand? Definitely.

But does any of this change the fact that I’m a feeble little person who, after a video with few views, sits there refreshing the views chart? No!

With greetings and respect to Charlie the Monkey.