Yarenlik: Good Company

I’m becoming a father for the first time.

I’m excited. But before I get to feel the excitement, I’m wrestling with the worry that comes with it.

I’m not afraid of the sleeplessness. Or the tiredness. Those are part of life; they come, they pass, you put up with them.

My trouble is with myself.

Am I mature enough? Am I solid enough to be a good example to a child? If being a father isn’t only a responsibility, if it means leaving footprints that will still be there after me, where are mine heading?

I don’t know.

Sometimes I doubt myself. And sometimes I doubt the self I still don’t fully know. The two aren’t the same thing.

I didn’t become the man I wanted to be. I don’t hide that any more. But I want a long and healthy life so I can spend better time with my son. From now on I want to exist in order to live longer.

This isn’t something he has loaded onto my shoulders. Quite the opposite, it’s something that calls me to live more carefully.

I don’t want to try to be his close friend or his mate. He’ll have close friends of his own, mates of his own. But I’d like to be able to offer him yarenlik, the easy company of someone you can sit and talk with.

As an older friend of mine, one I’m very fond of, puts it: I want to be neither his close friend nor his mate.

If I can offer him yarenlik, that’s enough.